February 7, 2018
Have you ever wonder what makes you, you? Ever
wondered what could have been, what should have been? Ever regret
something, and wish you could change that one thing in your life. Know
deep down that if that one thing, no matter how big or small, would not
have happened your life would have been different. Maybe you would have
been a movie star, or a professional athlete. Maybe you would have gone
to law school or been a doctor. Just one little detail in your life
changed everything. My detail is a guy, and he is one of the worse
kinds. He is a user, a druggie, and a liar. I guess they all fit
together now that I think about it. I guess I wasn't the brightest color
in the box when I was with him. Hell, I think I was just dumbfounded
that a gorgeous guy like him would want me. Low self esteem doesn't
suite a girl well. This is my story.
A quiet girl who
stuck to her self, changed to a girl who has daddy
issues and doesn't trust any guy. A girl who is afraid to be open with
anyone because she doesn't want to get hurt. This is the story of me, a
girl who has to work at my problems and who has the help and support of
her friends. A girl who hurts anyone and everyone before they get a
chance to hurt her. This is my journey.
I wasn't the type of girl
to do drugs or drink, well to drink regularly. I don't think a little
out of my parents cabinet made me an alcoholic. They shouldn't have had
it so easily accessible in my opinion. I was a virgin all through high
school. I tried not to care what other people thought about me. I knew
who my real friends were in high school. that's all that mattered. I
knew that if some punk tried to bully me, I would have my girl by my
side, saying what I couldn't say. I had all kinds of friends. I had
druggie friends, shy friends, outcast, loners,
preppy friends. I had wanna be friends, I had country friends. I had
the , I am to cool for school friends. Then I had my best friends.
The
friends that I would load up in my car during lunch to go a half a mile
away to walmart to get a chicken plate and a McDonald's Coke. The
friends, who I knew that no matter where we ended up going, we would
stay friends, and so far we have.
These events are my testimony.
Things I went through, things that are hard to say out loud, but things I
need to get off my chest. People will judge me, call me stupid, but in
the end anything someone says about me, will only be half of what I say
about my self.
Chapter 1
Dear Diary, it's June 18, 2011. I am just now turning 21. it's my big day and I don't feel
any different. I didn't have the, "I am going to get wasted" thought
when i woke up. I honestly don't even feel like drinking. Maybe it's
because i drank so much last night? I did get
drunk. I was even holding hands with Ethan in the car. He was really
sweet. Why can't I like him? he is a good guy. I know I would be happy
with him if I decided I could be with him. I am so hot and cold. I know I
have been giving him mixed signals ever since we first met back in '09.
I think i wasn't ready then. i don't even know if I am ready now? Gosh,
what is wrong with me? Any decent guy I meet i have to run away scared.
Now it is my birthday and I am feeling gross from drinking last night, I
can't wrap my head around Ethan and I have people coming over soon to
celebrate my being 21. Sometimes i just wish I could go back to high
school and life would be easy again. I could just be pissed at my dad
for being a dick and leaving my mom for that stupid whore. For lying to
me and my mom about how they are "just friends." How pathetic!
Unfortunately I have to be a "grown up" and have grown up issues like my
stupid job that I hate, or the fact that I live
in a one bedroom apartment with my mother. Sometimes I wish I was dead.
Things would be easier for everyone. For some reason God keeps me
around so I guess I am worth something in his eyes. I better go. Got to
make myself look somewhat presentable for tonight. Until next time,
-B-
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