Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Alone


'Wake up, you're going to be late for work!” Snooze alarm for 5 more minutes.

“Seriously, wake up!” snooze again, because who cares if you're late.

“Get up!” another 5 minutes wont hurt.

“It's 7:30 and you need to leave in ten minutes.” I guess I should get up now.



I have that conversation with myself every morning Monday through Friday. Why you ask? Well its because I go to a job I am no longer happy at. I work with people who wouldn't even know I was missing if I never showed up to work again.



I drag myself out of bed and look myself up and down in the mirror. “Say one nice thing about your self.” Well you're alive. Does that count as a nice thing to say? I can't think of a nice thing to say, compliment myself? Get real!



Every time someone says that I am so pretty, I look in a mirror. Why am I not able to see what they see? Why do the guys I like not see what they see? Can they truly see something everyone else isn't able to see? They should get their eyes checked.



Faking my way through life so nobody can see that I am truly unhappy. My head hangs low, eyes looking at the ground. I don't let anyone close, and once they get too close I push them away. Nobody is allowed to know I hurt. That my smile isn't real. That I pray to God to end my life, because I can't do it myself.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Prince Charming

What happens when he is your Prince Charming, but you are not his Cinderella? Do you just stand by and watch him Dance the night away with the "Evil Stepsister" or do you take charge and throw your glass slipper at him? I have never been the type to just walk right up to a guy and say "Hey you there! You are going to be my new boyfriend!" I have imagined myself doing it plenty of times, but in the end I am always the one in the back of the room watching the crowd go by having fun. I am having fun don't get me wrong, but it's lonely fun. Sure I have friends come up to me and try to include me, but nobody wants to just sit there with the girl who doesn't make any moves. They try and set me up with people. Tell me to open up and just ask someone to dance. I can't help that the only times I finally open up and "man up" I get hurt. Knock a girl girl down why don't you!

Looking at my Prince Charming, on the other hand make me want to scream and yell at any girl who dares talk to him. The sad thing is, he doesn't even see me. I am the girl who sits in the back of class. The girl who he calls best friend. The girl who he will only see as a best friend.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Feeling Vampy??

Prologe:

    Do you ever look back and think, if I would have not done this one thing, maybe my life would be better? If I could go back in time, maybe I would be a millionaire? Maybe I would be married with kids, hell with these times, divorced with kids. Who knows what could have happened if that one thing wouldn't have changed your life. I guess I am getting ahead of myself. I am sure you want to know why I am talking like this, what exactly happened to me that changed my life. Is it for the better or for worse. I haven't quite figured that out myself. So I will let you decide.

    Chapter One:

    Have you ever got that feeling something is completely wrong when you first wake up. That’s how I feel now. Something is off, yet something smells so delicious.
    "I am so glad you are finally awake. We have been waiting for days to see how you will turn out" A familiar voice send a shiver down my spine.
    "What do you mean we have been waiting for days? Where am I?" I ask trying not to sound scared. I don't want to sound scared if I was taken without permission. Maybe I overdosed on something. I know I don't do drugs but maybe they slipped something into my drink?
    "So Christine, what do you last remember?" that familiar voice asks but I cant quite put a name to it.
    "I remember lights being on, why don't we put some on now?" I ask sarcastically
    "Oh, a feisty one you are. I see you just fine. Within the week you will start to adjust to all your new.... Abilities."                  
    "Abilities, what are you on dude? Crack is wack and all that live above the influence stuff."
    "Oh, what I do enjoy is far more better than any drug you will ever/have ever had in your poor old human life. Speaking of which. I bet you are thirsty, are you not?" He asked. I don't know what he means, but as soon as he said it, the lights came on and I could finally see my surroundings. I am in a basement, or a room without windows. A big room with about 4 other people. The voice finally has a face, Keith. I can't say I really know him. Tall, Pale and surprisingly Handsome. He has a built body any guy would die for. When you look into his eyes, it's like you are pulled into his soul.  The other people in the room I don't know. One looks terrified, the others are just as pale and beautiful as Keith is.
    "Keith, what am I doing here?" The worried guy scares me. I wonder what they did to him?!
    "Well, I am so glad you remember who I am. I was afraid you would forget all about me after your transformation. Oh how sad I would have been to loose you." He wasn't making any sense. Transformation, loose me.
    "I didn't know I was yours to loose?" I must have been pretty messed up not to remember how our night ended. I wonder if we.. No I would remember that. Wouldn't I?
    "Oh it was beautiful really. You were so mesmerized by my beauty and my eyes. You must have been drunk on lust, and kept bugging me and asking me how I was so beautiful and how my eyes looked the way they do. I don't know if I was so annoyed by you or intrigued by the way you wouldn't give up until I told you the truth. So I showed you. At first you were scared, then you were into it. Asking me for more. I guess I liked you to much to kill you, so I turned you instead.
    “Turned me?” I asked so confused. I don’t understand. This dude is talking like he is from some cheaply made vampire movie.
    “You are a vampire, a new born. My child, in a way..” he says with a devilish grin on his face. How could I be a vampire? I don’t even like my steak or burgers unless they are well done. How is this possible? Vampires are made up things that girl dreams about, because they made a movie about a vampire that sparkles. Oh My, I hope I don’t sparkle?!
    “That’s not possible, vampires only exist in the movies.” I says with a slight hope he is just joking and I am being recorded for TV.
    “Oh yes, they are in movies, but where do you think they got the ideas for the movies. For the books? I mean, what human is really going to come up with the idea of a Vampire who sucks blood, cannot eat Garlic, go out in the sunlight, be killed by a wooden stake.”
    “Are all those true?” I asked scared. I don’t want to be kept in a bubble.
    “No, my dear. They are not. We can come and go as we please, morning and night. Garlic just gives us bad breath, as it would with anyone who ingest garlic. A stake yes, will kill you if it is done in the right spot and with the right amount of force. You can step into a church if you would like, holly water is not going to do anything but make you wet. The list goes on forever. Over the years people make things up to put their mind to ease. I mean who would want to deal with a vampire?” his grin comes back. I really am starting to not like him.
    “So is the stake the only thing that can kill me?” I need to know everything. It’s a scary thought if this is true, but I need to be well informed. For more reasons then one. If this is true I need to know how to... “And can we read minds?”
    “So far that and if someone rips your body apart. You will not come back from that. And no, vampires cannot read minds. So do you truly believe you are a vampire?.” he asks with a look in his eyes. I don’t know if I should say yes. I don’t want this to be a joke and everyone start laughing at me. I have never liked being made fun of. So I come up with an idea!
    “Smile for me!” ha, that will prove it. And so he smiles. “No with your ‘Vampire’ teeth!”
And that is the most frightening thing in the world. I can’t help but step back when he bares his teeth is my direction. I see long, sharp looking fangs staring at me. They were not there when he first smiled.
       And the last thing I remember is him saying before I passed out is  “Do you believe me now, Christine?”

Chapter Two

    I didn’t know Vampires were real. They were just something to look at in the movies. Dream of one day meeting a sexy, rich vampire who you would fall in love with and get turned because you can’t imagine not being with out each other for the rest of forever. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was a fantasy. But out of everything that has happened, the one thing that shocks me most, vampires can faint.                   

    Who would have thought something that is supposed to be so big and bad, that could kill as easily as blinking would be able to faint. As I lay awake with my eyes closed, I know they are all around me and I don’t want to be awake yet, I recall everything that has happened. Vampires are real and I am one of them. What did he call me, oh yes, a new born, his child. I don’t even want to think about the sucking somebody’s blood. Eesh! That just sounds unhealthy and disgusting. Why me?

    “Christine, I know you are awake, and you must be starving” Keith said and as soon as he said it my thirst came back. This is going to be a problem for me.

    “I will not drink blood!” I said without opening my eyes. Maybe if I never open my eyes it will be like a bad dream, and when I finally do open my eyes it will all go away.

    “If you don’t drink blood my dear, you shall die. I don’t want that to happen to such a beautiful creation. Now please darling will you try it?” As he said it I smelt something. The most amazing smell in the world. It made me shoot right up and as I did, I knew something awful was about to  happen. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist it once you smelt it. Amazing isn’t it?” He asked with a sadistic grin on his face. His British accent is no longer hot, it irritates me more than anything in this world.

    “I will not drink blood.” I said, but as I did, my new teeth came out. I thought it would hurt, but it was like they have been there this whole time. Just waiting for me to turn in to this thing.

    “Your teeth are saying something else, I think you should try it. You might enjoy your self. Actually I know you will enjoy it very much.” he said and I couldn’t speak. If I spoke I would breathe in the air and I didn’t want to. It was to hard not to jump onto the poor guy scared to death, or almost death, and lick the blood coming from the cut on his wrist. I would not drink blood. All I could do was shake my head no. “Oh, come on now. Don’t be naughty and not listen to your maker. I can always make you do what I want you to do. Now I will ask you again one more time. Will you try the blood?”

    “NO!” I screamed and he was at my side in a blink of the eyes and had his hand around my neck.

    “Look at me!” he yelled. I was scared, and so I did. “You will drink this humans blood. You will drain him dry. You will enjoy it!” and my body started walking over there. I knew I didn’t want to drink the blood, I knew I shouldn’t drink it, but I couldn’t stop myself.

    “I am sorry” I said as I knelt down to get a better view of the man’s neck. The last thing I remembered was bitting into him and then I was lost in pure pleasure.

Undergoing Changes

February 7, 2018
Have you ever wonder what makes you, you? Ever wondered what could have been, what should have been? Ever regret something, and wish you could change that one thing in your life. Know deep down that if that one thing, no matter how big or small, would not have happened your life would have been different. Maybe you  would have been a movie star, or a professional athlete. Maybe you would have gone to law school or been a doctor. Just one little detail in your life changed everything. My detail is a guy, and he is one of the worse kinds. He is a user, a druggie, and a liar. I guess they all fit together now that I think about it. I guess I wasn't the brightest color in the box when I was with him. Hell, I think I was just dumbfounded that a gorgeous guy like him would want me. Low self esteem doesn't suite a girl well. This is my story. A quiet girl who
stuck to her self, changed to a girl who has daddy issues and doesn't trust any guy. A girl who is afraid to be open with anyone because she doesn't want to get hurt. This is the story of me, a girl who has to work at my problems and who has the help and support of her friends. A girl who hurts anyone and everyone before they get a chance to hurt her. This is my journey.

I wasn't the type of girl to do drugs or drink, well to drink regularly. I don't think a little out of my parents cabinet made me an alcoholic. They shouldn't have had it so easily accessible in my opinion. I was a virgin all through high school. I tried not to care what other people thought about me. I knew who my real friends were in high school. that's all that mattered. I knew that if some punk tried to bully me, I would have my girl by my side, saying what I couldn't say. I had all kinds of friends. I had druggie friends, shy friends, outcast, loners, preppy friends. I had wanna be friends, I had country friends. I had the , I am to cool for school friends. Then I had my best friends.

The friends that I would load up in my car during lunch to go a half a mile away to walmart to get a chicken plate and a McDonald's Coke. The friends, who I knew that no matter where we ended up going, we would stay friends, and so far we have.

These events are my testimony. Things I went through, things that are hard to say out loud, but things I need to get off my chest. People will judge me, call me stupid, but in the end anything someone says about me, will only be half of what I say about my self.



Chapter 1

Dear Diary, it's June 18, 2011. I am just now turning 21. it's my big day and I don't feel any different. I didn't have the, "I am going to get wasted" thought when i woke up. I honestly don't even feel like drinking. Maybe it's because i drank so much last night? I did get drunk. I was even holding hands with Ethan in the car. He was really sweet. Why can't I like him? he is a good guy. I know I would be happy with him if I decided I could be with him. I am so hot and cold. I know I have been giving him mixed signals ever since we first met back in '09. I think i wasn't ready then. i don't even know if I am ready now? Gosh, what is wrong with me? Any decent guy I meet i have to run away scared. Now it is my birthday and I am feeling gross from drinking last night, I can't wrap my head around Ethan and I have people coming over soon to celebrate my being 21. Sometimes i just wish I could go back to high school and life would be easy again. I could just be pissed at my dad for being a dick and leaving my mom for that stupid whore. For lying to me and my mom about how they are "just friends." How pathetic! Unfortunately I have to be a "grown up" and have grown up issues like my stupid job that I hate, or the fact that I live in a one bedroom apartment with my mother. Sometimes I wish I was dead. Things would be easier for everyone. For some reason God keeps me around so I guess I am worth something in his eyes. I better go. Got to make myself look somewhat presentable for tonight. Until next time,
-B-

Running Free

This is something I wrote with a friend last night. The teacher set up the story and we had to continue it. Let me know what you think? :-)

After what seemed like hours in traffic, Jay turned into the apartment parking lot and saw heat waves rising off the neighbors’ cars. Dragging a load of groceries up the pebble-stoned, spindly stairs, she/he shoved the key into the door, dumped a sweat stained backpack on the floor, and noticed the red light of a message machine blinking across the curtained gloom of the “studio” she/he called home…….

She walked over to the machine, Jay was not used to having messages and she was very curious to know who had called. When the machine voice began to replay the message, she didn't recognize the number. A deep, familiar voice then began to say, "You thought you escaped. But I am coming for you." Jay felt a panic so deep in her gut that she sank to the floor and started hyperventilating. 

She thought she was done with him. It had been three years since she had finally got free from him. Ethan was a past boyfriend who abused her. Everyday the whole dreadful five years that they were together. He put her in the hospital more times then she could count on one hand. 

Her friend Tritney helped one night after she realized what was going on. They packed their bags and left on a plane going across the country. They were now living in a one bedroom dump on the east coast, but they had been  safe. Until now. 

She had to pull it together quickly. If he had her number he most likely knew where she lived and would either be here soon or is watching the place now. She would need to warn Tritney about him being here so she wouldn't come home. 

She knew she didn't have much time so she sent a quick text to Tritney "don't come home, Ethan found us. Go to the meeting place. I will be there shortly." She received a quick response saying to stay safe and to grab the wigs. When she grabbed the get away bags she headed for the door. Leaving her life once again because she didn't know how to say no. 

She knew what he was like before she married him but his charm and good looks won her over. She didn't realize the "I do's" were so permanent. Apparently "till death do us part" meant Jay would have to die for them to be apart. She took one look around the apartment and turned the door knob. She was not prepared to see what was standing outside her door. 

"Leaving so soon?" Ethan said with his deep, bone chilling voice. All Jay could do was jump back. She didn't expect him to be there. "What, you can't kiss your husband hello? What's it been? Two years and some?" Ethan said sarcastically.


"Three years 45 days and 6 hours to be exact!" Jay said through gritted teeth.

Even though she was crippled with fear for the encounter that was about to happen, she had to clear her mind and think of a way to get out of her apartment so she could run. He helped himself into the house closing and locking the door behind him. 

It was obvious he didn't intend on her leaving, at least not alive. She knew otherwise. He didn't know that she had been taking every precaution she could in case this day ever came. She planned escape routes and had things hidden around the house to help her if a fight broke out. She also took fighting lessons twice a week. She was ready for this.

"Ethan, do come in sweetheart. Would you like something to eat or drink?" Jay said with a sincere smile. 

She had prepared a special cup with sleeping pills already in it so she could drug him. She changed the pills out every other week so they were fresh.  Tritney called her paranoid but looks who's paranoid now. 

"Now there is this wife I knew you could be. I would love a glass of tea darlin!" 

"One glass of tea coming right up sugarplum." Jay hated that she had to be hospitable but it was all part of the plan. Get him to drink and eventually he would pass out. Usually he would only last 30 minutes after taking Tylenol PM so this extra strength dose should do it quicker. Not to mention she put way more then is prescribed. 

She went into the kitchen and grabbed two cups and got the tea out of the fridge. Her hands shaking uncontrollably, scared that she wouldn't make it or worse scared that she would have to keep running. She was so tired of running.

"What has my wife been up to these past years? I was quite surprised that you never came home, even more surprised that it took so long to find you." Even from the other room his voice brought goose bumps to Jay's body.

"A little of this, a lot of that. Every day things, nothing special. Something that surprised me was how long it took you to find me as well. We rented rooms at people's houses for a while, then we got an apartment for a little while. Then we moved here last year. We figured you stopped looking." She yelled back from the kitchen. 

"I never stopped looking" he whispered into her ear. She didn't know he had come so close. It scared her. " why so jumpy my love?"

"I just didn't hear you come in the kitchen is all, would you like sugar in your tea?" She said trying not to show her fear.

"Why yes thank you." He said as he kissed her cheek.
Although she wanted to pull away she had to get him to drink the tea so she did the only thing that she could think of to keep herself alive. She kissed him like she has never kissed him before. She kissed him like her life depended on it, she kissed him like it was her last kiss she would ever get, because there was a chance it could be her last kiss and that frightened her. 

"Tea?" She said with a giggle and smile.

"Well, if I would have known I was going to have such a warm welcome back I would have bought some flowers." He replied grabbing the cup and taking a big drink. "Aww baby I have missed you and this tea. Nobody could make it the way you do." 

"I am glad you like it, now should we go sit down and get more comfortable?" She said biting her lip. 

"Baby, baby you know what biting your lip does to me." He said as he set the drink on the counter then picked her up and put her on the counter kissing her. She was blocked and it was taking all her strength to not push him away.  She had to think clearly. He didn't drink enough to knock him out yet, she didn't want this to go any farther then it had. 

"Hey mister, I am a lady and I prefer to be taken out on a date first." She said with a smile. "How about we go finish out teas and talk then see where we end up after that" biting her lip again she kissed him and slid off the counter rubbing against him then walked backwards toward the living room. As she turned around she saw him gulp down the rest of his drink and set it in the sink. He never could resist her. Sometimes it stopped him from beating her, sometimes he would beat her while forcing himself on her. 

"Oh how I have missed you!" He said as he grabbed her hair and pulled her into another kiss then threw her into the couch. "But you have been a very naughty girl and need to be punished." He must have seen a flash of fear in her eyes because he have her a wicked grin.

"How about I run the tub, I could wash you off then you could do the same to me?" She asked holding back the tears. She had never seen him so angry. She knew if the pills didn't kick in soon she would either have to fight for her life or loose. 

"Oh know, that will not work. I was thinking about something a little different. I actually brought some toys for us to use. You don't mind using toys do you?" He eyed the bag beside the door. 

"No," she stuttered.

"Good go get my bag for me" he commanded. 

As she went to the door to get the bag he was turned around so she quickly unlocked the door and tried to make a run for it. She barely made  it to stairs before he grabbed her and threw her against down the stairs. 

"Did you think you could get away from me so easily this time?" He laughed out the words. "Was I not good to you, did I not buy you everything you could ever want? Was I so bad that you had to run away from me?" He yelled at her as he walked down the stairs. 

She is was so much pain from the fall she couldn't move. All she could so was hope someone would hear them.

"Did I not buy you all the greatest clothes and the nicest cars? Did I not send you to the best school so you could earn that stupid nursing degree? This is the thanks I get? You stupid stupid girl! To think you could leave me?!" 

That's when she got the courage to stand up. "I ran because you never really loved me, I ran because you hit me! I ran because when I was pregnant you, YOU told me to get rid of it and when I didn't YOU beat me so bad I lost it! I ran because I no longer loved you! I ran because I wanted to be truly happy!" And that's when he finally made it to the bottom stairs. He looked her in the eyes and then slapped her so hard she fell back down.

She had been preparing for this for three years. Instead of laying there taking her beating she waited for him to bend over to get closer to her face like he always did. Once he did she kicked him in his face so hard he fell against the stairs. She jumped up and started running as fast as she could. 

All of a sudden Ethan jumped on top of her, knocking her to the ground. Her face hits the ground and she knew her nose was broken. She could feel the blood running down her face and onto the ground. 

"You stupid bitch!"he yelled at her as he flipped her over. He was on top of her. " you stupid stupid dumbass bitch! You broke my nose!" He was rambling, but his words were starting to slur. The sleeping pills were kicking in. 

"I guess we are even" she said as she spit blood at him. She tried to buck him off but he had her trapped. He was holding her hands down with one hand while undoing his belt with the other. She looked him in his eyes and could tell he was starting to have trouble keeping his eyes open. 

"Getting sleepy honey?" She asked through gritted teeth.

"You bitch, what did you do?" He slapped her across her already beaten face. He was blinking hard and his grip was starting to loosen.

"What ever do you mean Dear?" She said with a smile. He was now shaking his head to try and keep himself awake.

"I will kill you!" He yelled and he started slapping and punching her. He let go of her hands and was using both fist. It was one blow after the other. All she could do was put her arms over her face to try and protect it. She was in so much pain. She could feel herself slipping into darkness. He wasn't giving up and she knew this might be the end. 

All of a sudden he was pulled off her and thrown into the wall. She couldn't hear anything, she couldn't even open her eyes.  

She heard a a loud crash and a male voice she didn't recognize.  She could tell her head was bleeding but could remember he head hitting anything. She just hurt, and hurt everywhere. She had never hurt this bad. She wanted to kill Ethan! She wanted to watch him suffer. She needed to get up. She needed to open her eyes. 

It seemed like an impossible task, but she kept trying. She felt like it was a lost cause, but she started to lift herself up. She found a rail on the wall and used it to pull herself up. 

"Jay you're awake!" She heard Tritney say, but it sounded so far awake. 

She kept trying to stand up on her on but as soon as she would let go her knees would buckle and she would start to fall.  She had to kill him and that is what she kept telling herself so she would find the strength to walk over to him.

"Jay, what are you doing?" She heard Tritney say from far away. She was walking toward what she thought was Ethan's body on the ground. 

She was Above his body and all she could think was, kill him. She went to kick him but all of a sudden he grabbed her ankle and yanked it up. She fell all the way back and hit her head on the hard ground.

She was going in and out of conscience, someone was shaking her. She could hear her name, but it sounded to far away still. Where was she,  what had happened? Did she kill him? Is she dead? 

She woke up the next day in the hospital. 

"She's awake!" A familiar voice yelled. 

"Where am I?" She asked coughing.

"Jay, I was so scared when you didn't show up to the spot. I thought I lost you forever. Then I walked into the building and saw that asshole beating you. I did the only thing I could do" Tritney was crying. "I killed him Jay, I hit him with a shovel and I kept hitting him. I couldn't stop. I hit him for every time he hit you, and the. I kept hitting him. The police had to pry the shovel from my hands. I lost it! I am so sorry!" 

She was sad that Ethan was dead, only because she wasn't the one who did it. She had tears rolling down her face. She was happy she didn't have to run any more. She could finally be happy. She could go work at the hospital again, she could move back home and see her old friends. She could do whatever she wanted. She was finally free. 

"It's alright Trit, I would have done it if I could. Tell me one thing?" She asked

"Sure anything!" She replied.

"I heard a guys voice, who was it?" Jay said as she tried to readjust.

"It was an officer. When you didn't reply to my text or call I knew something was wrong. You never showed up to the safe house so I called the police. I told them the situation and they rushed there. I was right behind them. The officer had him on the ground but you started walking toward him. That's when he grabbed your ankle and you feel back. He got up and knocked out the officer. I found the shovel and started beating him until I couldn't stop. More officers came in and took the shovel and the paramedics took you away." She said in a serious voice, Jay hanging on to every word.

"things are looking up. No more running, we can finally go home!" Jay said with a smile. 

"You can finally start fresh, maybe even talk to the guy from the bakery?" Tritney said why a wink.

"I don't even know if he is interest, plus I thought we would go back home? Now that my husband is dead I am a widow and should get all of his things." 

"Do you really want to go back to that house? Remember all of those memories? All those people looking down on you? Is that what you want? Why don't you sell everything and start over here!" She practically yelled. It made sense but Jay missed her mom, she missed all her siblings. 

"Maybe you are right but I need to go back and get a few things, you coming with me or do you want to stay here?"

The start of a new Beginning!

I was at my friends house last night helping her write a paper, and she said to me. "I think you should start a blog." I wasn't sure how that would end up, but I think it's worth a short. So here it goes. This will be my blog and short stories I have written, will continue to write, or anything that pops into my head. I hope you enjoy:-)



“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
C. JoyBell C.